Musings…

I stumbled upon a fairly meaningful saying along the weekend that provoked quite some thoughts in me. It goes simply “You would know that one has grown up once that person starts living his life for somebody else but himself.” In my current situation, I suppose it quite strikes a personal chord. These past few years especially I’ve done quite a bit of growing up myself, almost to the point where I felt aged with a creaking old soul trapped inside a youthful body. Guess some things just couldn’t be helped, though I am not complaining too much about it.

            Being able to live my life for somebody else in my case has granted me the ability to see life from many, many more different perspectives and to bow to humility once needed instead of always wanting to sow seeds of pride and appear the ‘right’ or ‘victorious’ party. It’s true perhaps that maturity strips a person of most arrogance known to youth – at least for the wise and deep thinkers.

            In adolescence and youth, the concept of immortality and invincibility applies somewhat. Choices, choices everywhere, and you live for no one but yourself. You are liable only for yourself. Somewhere in between adolescence and adulthood, we are trained to start making important decisions for ourselves. Which sports/club/societies to choose? Which college to go to? Which courses to take? Which career path to move towards? Whom to love? Whom to befriend? And the list goes on, the key word always being

ME

,

ME

and ME. My choices, my preference, my decisions.

            I thought that I was at least matured enough for my age all those years back…only to realize right now when I look back, how much the opposite I was, really. Young and impulsive, I was quick to jump to conclusions and despite being wrong, would hesitate to apologize. I had a narrow perspective somewhat and indulged in a lot of judgment based on my own standards, being unable to see the bigger picture in life, and was idealistic enough to have an expectation in life and everything that surrounds it. At least the perfectionist in me made it such. It’s like if life was this obstacle race down the tracks, I had a tendency of walking past the obstacles instead of jumping across it like I’m supposed to if there was so much as a thought that I couldn’t clear that obstacle. Because I had choices in almost every aspect of my life, be it in love, or studies or friendship, I was arrogant enough to say, “Screw this if it’s not working my way. If I can’t go down this way, I could find other ways to get to where I am going.” There seldom was a need to sit down and clarify if I could indeed have managed that obstacle. Or whether it was worth it to do so. Needless to say, many rash decisions were made, some of which may have wounded people very close to me. Very regrettable indeed.

            I guess a part of me is happy that the river of time had brought me forward to be the person that I am today, a person who no longer lives for herself, but for some other people whose lives are intermingled with mine. Still far from being perfect, of course, but at least I realize now that choices that are made no longer involve the word ME but the word US. Another person in a way or another, depends on me, needs me to be level headed and responsible in everything that I do. And that leaves very little space to be impulsive and irrational. In most cases, circumstances require me to place their importance above my own. My actions or decisions would have a great impact on them apart from myself, that at times, even though I yearn so much to do the things that I want to do, I have to bow to my conscience and do what’s best for the people I hold close to my heart.

            As I grow older, I begin to understand that as I strive to be a better and more conscientious person, many obstacles in life can be dealt with the correct way (in analogy of an obstacle race, an obstacle is cleared by jumping over it instead of walking by it or not clearing it at all) if only that person takes the time, patience and effort to iron it out. And the further you move along your journey in life, the more you are obliged to stick to a particular road that you have chosen and deal with everything that comes your way, by hook or by crook. If you’ve got to face a problem, you’ve got to face it. Bottom line. There is no such thing as sweeping it all under the carpet and pretending that it isn’t there or worse, being the escapist and running away from it. Even if it includes you swallowing your pride, or taking a step back to have it rectified, you’ve just got to do it. I suppose that as long as you realize somehow that in most cases, ‘losing’ or being the more humble one grants you more triumph as compared to otherwise, you’d know that you’re somewhere there in terms of growing up.

Oh my gawd oh my gawd oh my gawd…today is such a hoppingly beautiful day! I will never see Thursdays the same again, honestly. I’m feeling rather euphoric, as though I have my feet floating a few meters above the surface of the ground haha. I’ve just received a phone call that changed it all! The biggest single order of the year for our company, and it is set to repeat every month or two… Oh, I’m elated (!!!!!!That must be the understatement of the year!!!!) Wheewww…yeah, the figures are still rolling in my head and my smile’s getting wider by the second as I calculate the profits in the making…I’m quite sure if this holds up, we would be able to achieve the company target, which seemed rather bleak and unachievable when it was first announced…so that would mean a bigger paycheck and a fatter bank account for all of us the coming year for the profit sharing. YAHOOOOooooooo!!! (!*(@&*&$^*&!%@&^$%@#—-no words can fill in these spaces because joy is sooooo explosive u can’t believe it. It transcends words I tell you!!! Don’t anybody try too hard to take a jab at me today, hahaha, coz you’d fail. Miserably. :oD)

It’s happened! Finally. I’m undeniably, irreversibly, unmistakably 26. NNNOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!! *Sob*Sob* I’ll wait a while more for the hefty lunch and cake to settle down a bit in the stomach before I completely mull over being a year older…like my smarty pants brother said: I’m one year closer to THE END. How reassuring indeed! Here the throat goes *gulp* and I choke a little, wondering whether to laugh or balk at the fact.

            And what a way to start the year too! My first day as a mature, wise 26 year old with a good head on her shoulders almost became a nightmare when I accidentally and/or stupidly left my Mini O2 in the ladies room of the Japanese Restaurant RAKUZEN in Subang after lunch today. And so, I was sitting on the bowl trying to wear my shoes and pee at the same time (since you have to take off your shoes to enter the restaurant) when this ermmm…chatty customer called asking the question she has asked me for at least three times everyday since last week…I couldn’t wait to get her off the phone…finish my business and hurry off to head back to the office with my colleagues who were waiting for me. Unfortunately my wise head on these shoulders wasn’t so wise after all…having done with the conversation, I had the cow sense to put my mini on the dumpster where u dump your feminine pads (I know, YUKK)…and walked off as though there was nothing at all missing…until an hour later when my sixth sense started to kick in and by GOD, I rummaged my bag like a madwoman to find my precious L O S T! I swear the cold baby octopus I had earlier for appetizers came to life and was jumping madly in the cavity of my stomach. Oh, and it’s good too that I’ve mentioned the name of the restaurant in this blog…please everyone who loves Jap food…visit Rakuzen…because I can’t thank the waitress enough for being so honest as to wait for my call and safekeep my baby until I found my wise head back and rushed through rain and traffic to reclaim it. Thank god for honesty, really! Oh, and lesson number 1 of the year: NEVER MULTITASK, especially if you have just turned a sobbing year older!

            Oh, other than that, just want to thank all of you darlings out there who remembered it was my big day (though not so big anymore) yesterday. Thanks for all the wishes, thanks for all the thoughts, thanks for the calls, thanks for the quirky cards, and for the jabs on my age hawhawhaw and above all, thanks for commemorating the fact that on this day, 26 years ago, a little brat was born to add to the world her spice, color and quirks. Heheh…God bless everybody and beeee happy! Cheerios!

Today is a rat-assed day. Cargo late due to communication breakdown, delivery dates screwed, customers fuming and ranting, principals stinking, boss’s head spinning, telephones ringing nonstop, Eunice bloated with bad gas because of all the pent up shit. That’s what happens when u go into war without ammunition (rather you have them taken away from you because customers are KINGS - *&^@#&^%!@!!! *yeah right*), being the frontline defense of your company. Imagine the purchasers losing their heads so much they tell to your face to shut up and at the same time, demand an answer as to why, why, why and you are trying your level best to provide them with exactly that. Like hellooooo…here are your answers - if only you’d stop snorting and roaring and howling the way you do for one goddamn second. I mean,cut me some slack eh?…honestly, what’s a conversation for if it has to be one sided good lord in heaven. Go speak to the moomoos and mekmeks and cawcaws out in the barnyard… I soooo give up. In retaliation I’m going to sit in the office and do nothing! Absolutely nothing at all. I’m going to sit here and remember to breathe and blink until it is time to leave. RAAAGGGHHHHH!!!! From the bottom of my sinking heart, thank God it’s Freaky Friday!!!!! >.<

Today is a day filled with mixed emotions – elation, happiness, admiration, longing, even a slight envy, I would say. Oh, look at all the things happening to the people around me. *Sniff*Sniff*

            My good old friend Karen and Will are tying the knot in December and are happily planning their wedding day. It’s poignant, no less, because I was there to witness the start of their journey from that first step back in college ages ago. Back then, we were still teenagers embarking on life. We had no particular direction. No particular goals set. I suppose most of us were focused on scoring through university rather than thinking about much of anything else. Fast forward to today…look at us now. Look at all of us. Look at how far each of us has come in so many aspects. Look at all that has happened in between retrospection and looking back.

            I suppose this is my cue to wish the happy couple all the best. Love each other and be gentle with each other come what may. Maybe I’m not in the place to give the best advice on marriage but still…anyway, here’s a toast to lifelong happiness in each other’s arms. Germaine Greer once said “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” I hope you both remember this while maneuvering through the bends during your journey together.

            Another close friend of mine, Phoebe is leaving for

Australia

later in the evening. She’s answered that call to move on to a better and more challenging job in a completely different community, bless her. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to just take off to somewhere alien and start afresh like what she is doing. I’ve always had this dream, back when I was younger, to pack up and fly into a distant land – probably New York City or somewhere like that, and wake up in a classy apartment smack in the middle of a glitzy and glittering city. I’d have this totally great job that the rest of the world would kill for…and there’d be lots of wining and dining and romancing and all that. Alas, that dream has gone POOF on me a long time ago. I’ve grown up too soon I suppose and now I have too many obligations to handle that being carefree and impetuous is really, really becoming a thing of the past. S I G H. Anyway, Pheebs, here’s wishing you all the best in everything that you do. Best of luck over there in OZ land…take good care and remember to kidnap some furry baby koalas for me.

            Boy, I am feeling rather nostalgic today. I was browsing through Friendster and my mails earlier. It is interesting to see how people I used to know way back when were turning out to be on this day. And rather inspirational at that. I could see from the pictures posted how some of my old friends are now located at different parts of the world, leading completely different lives totally unimaginable back in those days when we were still school-kids in our ghastly light blue uniforms. Some have good careers to boot, traveling the globe and experiencing different cultures and all that. When prompted, I hear of them telling stories of their adventures or misadventures, how they slogged it out to be where they are today. It’s enlightening to keep in touch with all these news about them. It grants me the ability to see life in a bigger picture somehow instead of just being caught in my own bubble.

            I’ve a dear old friend who works three jobs simultaneously and at the same time could find a quiet moment to enjoy life’s offerings on Paradise Island, Hawaii (yeah, Peter, I’m talking about you, hehe)…he’s into the food business and tells about how much effort and time it takes to make a single dish for fine dining…one that guests like me at the restaurant would probably gobble up in a minute. Impressive pictures of food he takes, though it comes in pretty small helpings. And the desserts have such intricate designs too. This reminds me somehow that I should take my meals at a slower pace…to taste my food slowly and enjoy every bite in justification of the effort put into their preparation.          

            The same goes to life. Life is like champagne I suppose; it shouldn’t be wasted by drinking it down in a single gulp. At times, I’ve felt as though I was rushing through life…there was always a list of things to do. Even when there was absolutely nothing to do on a lazy Sunday, the list would still be there at the back of the head, pressuring me somewhat. And I’d be thinking, I haven’t done that. I haven’t achieved that. And at the next possible moment, I’d be rushing through my days again, trying to complete what I’ve listed down to do…to achieve the goals that I’ve set for myself. At certain points it was as though I was going through the motions, ticking those tasks off rather viciously. Done that. Bought that. Presented that. Planned that. Achieved that.

            But at the end of the day, do I really understand what is the meaning behind every single task that I’ve carried out? And did I enjoy my journey to achieving my goals? Or am I just lost in that mad rat race to earn, earn, earn more, get, get, get more and compare, compare, compare more, while at the end, there’s lesser to gain and much more to lose?

             Sighhh…no wonder there’s a phrase saying that youth is wasted on the young. Oh, what I’d give to be carefree like I was ten years back. I guess I could only be thankful that during the course of this life, there would be moments like these when I’d take some time off and reanalyze my life and those who are close to me at one point or the other along the line of time…the milestones that we have crossed…to be reminded somehow that I should slow down, breathe, and really, really embrace life the way I should before my time on earth is up.

Oh…I suppose the fact that I am still writing this blog today marks the fact that I’m still alive from yesterday’s nightmare presentation. It went well but I used up all my marketing tricks in the bag, so to speak. I hid behind the “It’s similar to Coenzyme Q-10, only better” phrase. Since Coenzyme Q-10 was a hit and a trend a short while back, and anyone who’s not been out of Earth’s atmosphere would have at least heard of it even if they didn’t know what it was, I gathered it was the best way of putting it forth. But no, don’t dismiss me as a typical talk crap-singsong sales person. I promise I’ll do my study a week in advance before a critical meeting next time! Aihh, anyway…life goes on. A piece of good news though…my car’s ready! At last! At long last! I’ll be getting it by the end of this week. Pheeeww…

            Still, I’m mildly depressed that I’d have to be parting with my little bug anytime soon. Well, Jess once told me aeons ago when I was nursing a broken heart that you’ve got to let go of the old one in order for a newer (and better) one to enter. I suppose that applies here as well…oh, but still. Sigh. I was driving around today, and realized that I took for granted how easy it was for me to weave here and there and everywhere with the bug. And parking was a breeze…cannot find a space, just slide into whichever hole that is big enough. Chances are most cars can’t fit in, so spaces like that are easy to find.

            Also, my bug’s been with me through one of the most trying times of my life, especially because I am prone to driving around aimlessly when my mind’s all messed up. Damn, I’ve practically had my heart broken and mended inside that car! And it’s pretty much marked my working life so far…since the reason why I got it in the first place was to get to work. I’m suddenly misty and nostalgic…look how far I’ve come from those days when I first embarked on my career. Poor bug got me to work on time rain or shine for my first serious job as a chemist in an acid factory. And then poor bug saw me leap to a better company, subsequently. Twice. From a systems analyst in ExxonMobil, to where I am now, a technical manager in Nardev Chemie. From my days of scrimping every single sen to spending lavishly the way I do now, it was with me. Ahh…we’ve got a bond somehow, my bug and I. And god I would miss it so. Despite it failing on me on a number of occasions, despite me wishing for so many times that I’d soon get a better car, despite me working my a$$ off for that, nothing will ever change that emotional attachment.

            Come to think of it, doesn’t it all apply to life as well? Why do I never treasure my bug when it was all I had sometime back? Because the grass is always greener on the other side, isn’t it? Because we’re never contented with what we have until we are on the verge of losing it. Because as a human being, we take for granted the things that are within our grasps, and we never see the beauty in them until they’re gone. Food for thought isn’t it? I’m sure every one of us has committed that at certain points of their lives. So everybody, go back and pat those old faithful things that you have taken for granted all these while and tell them you love them before it is too late, be it your rickety car, your dinosaur computer, or your trusty old underwear that has seen you through better times. *wink*wink*

            Ok, I’ll cut my sentimental nonsense right about now. Oh, speaking of Jess, thanks for sending me that Britney Spears song…didn’t know that it could provoke such deep pondering until I listened to the lyrics very carefully. God’s whole plan huh? Makes me wonder what God had in store for me when he piled all those obstacles my way. Thought I’d share it here:

Someday I Will Understand

Nothing seems to be the way
That it used to
Everything seems shallow
God give me truth,
In me,
And tell me somebody’s watching
Over me,
And that is all I’m praying is that

Someday I will understand
In God’s whole plan
And what He’s done to me
Oh but maybe someday I will breathe
And I’ll finally see
I’ll see it all in my baby

Don’t you run too fast my dear
Why don’t you stop?
stop and listen to your tears
They’re all you’ve got
It’s in you
You see somebody’s watching
Over you
And that is all I’m praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God’s whole plan
And what He does to you
Oh but maybe someday you will breathe
And you’ll finally see
You’ll see it all in your baby
You’ll see it all in your baby

No moment, will be more true
than the moment, I look at you

It’s in you
You see somebody’s watching
Over you
And that is all I’m praying is that someday
You will understand
In Gods whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but baby
Someday you will breathe
And you’ll finally see
You’ll see it all in your baby

This is SOOOO not happening to me. In the wee hours of this morning at around 3.30 am, my eyes popped open as though prompted by some unearthly force. With a sole purpose at that: I’ve forgotten to water my money plants and flowers outside at the balcony all day yesterday. Won’t they wilt now? I was thinking in the dead of the night. Which was super madness…it was as though the plants have spirits that beckon me “Waterrrrrr, waterrrr,” to stop themselves from dying. Urghh…and so I stepped out in my flimsy sleepwear and proceeded to water the plants with my eyes half closed and heavy with slumber. You can’t imagine playing the role of a mother to those helpless plants that cannot even cry out if need be, if they were dying. Sigh. The night breeze was cool and fresh and it awakened me somewhat from that sleepy fog. Which was bad news because after that I couldn’t sleep at all. Goddamn insomnia…so I stayed up half the night poking same colored bubbles in this stupid game called Jawbreaker on my PDA phone. It gives a new meaning to the word ‘unproductive’. Oh, I was so tempted to call someone…but it was a few hours before daybreak and I didn’t want to risk hearing curses before dawn so…

            Sigh…and it could only get worse from then on. I slept off probably around six plus. And slept through minutes of shrill alarm ringing only to wake up at nine thirty because of some cosmic ticking in the head. Sheer madness I tell you. You can only imagine the frenzy that led to this moment as I sit here, unable to contain myself, itching and itching to bitch about the happenings of this morning, from not being able to find my house keys to tailing behind a car driven by an idiotic daydreamer suspended on the moon. Because that wasn’t all. A moment ago, I had a ring from a client who had wanted to bring forward next week’s meeting to…*chngchngchng* TODAY!

            In this meeting I was to face the top people of the R&D team of a leading company in

Malaysia

and talk about a new product that supposedly has been studied extensively for its protective effects against cerebral ischemia. Being fresh from the oven there was a lot of reading to do and a lot of points to highlight. And here I am, gaping like a dead fish at the words cerebral ischemia… and so I declare myself brain dead. I have like ten published papers and thesis to study on the product…all within two hours if I skip lunch…I’m balking… turning green and then purple and then blue. I mean, yeah, there was a time when words like arachidonic acid, Q-analogs, cathecholamine formation, astrocytes etc. meant something to me. But that was ten blue moons ago.

            ARRRGGGHHHHH…so say a prayer for me. My time on earth is calculated. Adios. Sayonara. Goodbye. Can’t imagine Tuesdays being worse than Mondays, but by God, it sure is. *Sob*Sob*          

Arrgghhhh it’s nasty, nasty Monday yet again. Damn I hate Mondays. I’m in a super duper extra weird mood today. I’m blaming it on my hormones doing acrobatics or some sort of rain dance somewhere in there. Feel like laughing and ranting and doing something really drastic all at the same time… nothing new really except that the damn car did a major number on me last weekend. It sputtered to death on me on the fast lane of the highway. Suffice to say, I should be getting down on my knees with three incense sticks between my palms and saying my prayers, thanking the powers that be that I am still in one piece and not scattered over the road like a carcass/ roadkill. Isn’t it ironic though? I was supposed to get my new set of wheels last week. That would have saved me the bomb the mechanic charged me sobsobsob. I cry in streams of blood man. Awwhh awwhhh awwwhhhhhh…

            Anyway…I’m quite so over that at the moment…my chocolate cravings are getting quite unbearable…I wanted Secret Recipe Walnut Brownies a while back, but thanks to a very cunning individual who pretended he didn’t know where Secret Recipe was in Shah Alam, I had to settle with a half frozen piece of Fair Lady instead. By the way, Fair Lady is a type of white chocolate cake, so don’t get any nasty ideas. I swear I’d want to be born a male my next life…no periodic mood swings, no pimple popping during the time of the month, no cravings that makes one cross-eyed, no being called a madwoman by your best friend who’s never had an estrogen induced reaction in his life. Why thank you, Ryan…yeah, I’m a psycho. I have 1001 quirks that could stun you speechless. But quirks or not, you’d miss me when I’m gone anyway, admit that, so… (And yes, you are right if you sensed emotional blackmail beneath my words hawhawhaw…so whatcha gonna do bout it?) Oh, I forgot Ryan’s this bashful creature who bolts a hundred miles an hour in the opposite direction as soon as the word public forum is mentioned hahahahaha…that and the fact that he does not have a single literary bone in his body…I once asked him if he had to describe me in just one word, what it would be…and even then he couldn’t come up with anything until months later…see, that’s how I leave him speechless tsktsktsk…so I don’t suppose I’d get any response here…he’d probably flog me in private though for making this entry about him hahahahaha…oh, since I’m at it, I’m making this a public announcement…Ryan owes me a million dollars…because he argues vehemently that ‘kucup’ in Bahasa Melayu is shrink, instead of ‘kecut’. I’m saying ‘kucup’ is kiss unless my brain’s grown fungus somewhere along the way, and ‘kecut’ is shrink. All the Bahasa Melayu experts, please rise hahahaa…there’s a million to be won yet, and I am a very generous lady!!!

            Aiihhhh…this is madness…I have nothing meaningful to say and yet I keep ranting like I do…ok, I’ll quit my PMS whining and hmh…since some people wanted to know what music I’m listening to currently, here’s Eunice’s music in categories:

Eunice’s Favorite Dance Mix

1. Bossy……………………………….…Kelis

2. Bossy………………………………….Kelis   (But no, I ain’t bossy hahaha)

3.

London

Bridge

………………………..Fergie

4. Sexy Back…………………………….Justin Timberlake

5. Beep…………………………………..Pussycat Dolls

6. Buttons………………………………..Pussycat Dolls

7. S.O.S………………………………….Rihanna

8. There It Goes (The Whistle Song)……Juelz Santana

9. De Ja Vu………………………………Beyonce & JayZ

10. Outrageous…………………………..Britney

Eunice’s Favorite Males Mix

1. Collide…………………………………Howie Day

2. Lips of An Angel………………………Hinder

3. Faraway…………………………………Nickelback

4. Right Here………………………………Staind

5. What’s Left Of Me……………………..Nick Lachey

6. Blind……………………………………Lifehouse

7. If Only………………………………….The Calling

8. Without You……………………………Motley Crue

9. I Don’t Wanna Be………………………Gavin DGraw

10. Everything That You Are……………..Googoo Dolls

11. I Will Buy You A New Life…………..Everclear

12. Always Somewhere……………………Scorpions

13. On A Day Like Today………………….Bryan

Adams

14. Disappear……………………………….Hoobastank

15.

Helena

…………………………………..My Chemical Romance

16. With Arms Wide Open………………….Creed

Non-exhaustive list this one, coz it’s my favorite category hehehe…ooh, I love crooning males!

Eunice’s Favorite Female Mix

1. Everytime…………………………….Britney Spears

2. Immortal………………………………Evanescence

3. It’s All Coming Back to Me………….Celine Dion

4. All At Once…………………………..Whitney Houston

5. Toy Soldiers………………………….Martika

6. Because of You……………………….Kelly Clarkson

7. I Wanna Be With You………………..Mandy

Moore

8. Reflections…………………………….Christina Aquilera

9. Let’s Wait A While……………………Janet Jackson

10. ……Eunice completely runs out of brain juice here so…more updates next time…

Is it possible to erase or modify life lines? I was told by a good friend just yesterday that the lines on your palms dictate a lot about your journey in life. I’ve heard the same thing said about the lines on one’s forehead. Sounds like a bunch of BS, though it does make sense that life somehow has been mapped by this omnipotent being up there upon our births, whether he cleverly masked that into lines on one’s hand or forehead is left for mortals like us to figure out when there’s nothing better to do besides making a dish out of your fingernails.

            Nevertheless it got me thinking about my own lifeline…and how I ended up where I am today after a narrow and winding journey, which by god is still not close to being over. These few days I seem to be filled with an unexplainable need for redemption. As if I was walking on this silent path and got lost somewhere along the way, somehow meandering back to some old lanes long unvisited. And so I was brought upon the times when unintentionally, or by cause of certain circumstances, I hurt the people who mattered to me.

            So how does one disentangle himself completely from the burden of guilt? I suppose there’s a reason why intrinsically humans are born with conscience. And that at certain points of their lives, they would look back somehow and retrace the consequences of their actions unto others and mull over it, especially if the consequences had not been good.

            Maybe it served as a reminder for us to continue to better ourselves as we move on living our lives day by day. And that we shouldn’t repeat any longer the actions that we know would cause such pain and dejection, leading to a series of events or chain reaction that could change that person’s life.

            In my journey, I suppose I did make a lot of blunders along the way, some small and insignificant, some more massive and unforgettable. I guess I am pretty clear of those big moments when I bungled up horribly. I could think of those few moments without having to bat an eyelash. Yes, the memories are all still clear in my mind, though I would have wished that time has blurred the edges somehow.

            At worse, what I could say in self-protection is that it is my prerogative to make mistakes and learn from it. I’ve been young and foolish once. And to those who have walked my path and are ahead of me, I may still be young and foolish. Just like any other normal human beings I make unwise decisions and have suffered the consequences. I know some have suffered with me. I beg their pardons, but I suppose that’s life.

            At best, I could apologize now as I did before, and wish that somehow it would be balm to an age old scar. Though what good would that do for all those who have suffered? The tide has already come and gone. The pain should have ebbed through the river of time. All I can say is that if I could modify my life line somehow so that it did not lead to all the anguish involved, I would.

            Alas, even the lines on my palms cannot be altered, let alone the past that has gone swiveling by. I only hope that I am able to maneuver my destiny so that I would not be put in the position whereby I would have to hunch over the burden of guilt ever again. Period.

My horoscope today reads:

Trust is easier if you can make deeper connections on many levels, so reach out.

Nobody is an island — it’s an obvious statement to say that you need relationships to get you through life. Other people provide the acid to your base, and can often be a perfect sounding board for your ideas. But in order to make the deep connections you need for total honesty, you must develop trust. The only way to do this is to take a risk and let someone in. So reach out today — lower your drawbridge and invite someone to cross your moat.

Thought provoking isn’t it? Lower your drawbridge and INVITE someone to cross your moat? …wow…as deep as an abyss goes. And I like the way it was stated that other people provide the acid to my base…just goes to prove that we all need some neutralization sometimes and that we shouldn’t be so ensconced in our own worlds, judging everything to our own standards. So I’m like thinking, if this is just some trashy horoscope website to pass the time, why does it hit a raw nerve somehow? And it hit hard where it mattered the most.

For the past few weeks, I have been told to ‘let someone in’ by some very close friends and some not-so-close friends/ acquaintances. I figured if a number of people said this to my face, then I suppose I should be on the red alert. It has led me to thinking whether I have really been stubbornly shutting people out, limiting the number of people I let into this personal space, caving myself in and wallowing in distrust. Really? How could I have missed that in analysis of who I am? Similarly, I was also told that I haven’t really been embracing life as I should…not totally. Oh, in addition to that, I am narrowing my horizons and limiting my perspective. A wise friend even went as far as to say that I am “taking

Newton

’s first law too seriously”. You know, the one that states every object persists in its state of rest or uniform motion unless it is compelled to change that state by the forces impressed on it? I’d be damned.

Though rationally thinking, don’t we all? As humans, we all resist changes in our own ways, don’t we? In the journey of life, we would all walk in a straight line on and on and on unless there is a force great enough to throw us off course, wouldn’t we? Doubtlessly, we all fear what we don’t know. Nobody can predict what’s going to happen in the future. Thus, we fear the future too, in a sense. Some fear more than the rest. Some lucky few fear less, but we all fear just the same. Just the way most of us fear whether we would have enough savings for the future, whether we would still have a good job by then or whether we would still have roofs over our heads. Because anything is possible, anyway you look at it. The once invincible Enron had collapsed. And some National Banks did too. The tsunami destroyed islands which never foresaw such destruction during its lifetime. And

Italy

won the World Cup. We fear, unless we are ignorant and innocent enough to not even wonder where we would end up or what would happen a day from now, a month from now, or even years from now. I suppose I’m not an ignorant to hardships and the wayward twists of life, nor am I an innocent – so in response to all those friends who have counseled me, YES I fear. And what I fear, I resist, and I shall go on resisting until there is a force big enough to force that change. Inertia is crap, yes I know, but a mere mortal like me cannot resist it. Thanks for trying to understand me. And for taking the time to analyze this confusing period that I am going through. All your thoughts matter to me, and I do listen. You are all in a way, ‘providing acid to my base’. Maybe I am not that neutral yet, but one day, I shall be, thanks to all your acidity, ha-ha, imagine me saying that. I hope I haven’t been too caustic to anyone so far. : )

And for all those who can’t figure out two hoots about what I’m ranting about, pardon the time it took for you to reach this line…this horoscope thingy is making me more philosophical than I should be on a Tuesday morning. I will take a hint though. I’m ‘lowering my drawbridge’ in invitation. Anyone daring enough to cross? *evil laugh*