Musings…

            You know there are times in my life when I really REALLY wonder what era we are living in. Human beings have come a long way from those cavemen years whereby men dragged their women by the hair and dominated most of everything that there was to dominate. A few centuries later, the same seeds of dominion still exist in society today, whichever way you look at it. Which is a bloody sad fact for the fairer sex, really. I’m not getting all feminist here.

            It’s just that I am sick (read S I C K) and tired of being suppressed in most of everything I do just because I do not have two balls in my pants. At the publisher’s earlier, I was told that I could not be paid the price promised for my manuscripts…no why, just a statement I had to digest and accept. Oh, I was expected to accept that with grace too, imagine. The director threw quite a fit when I reacted by asking why. Obviously I was not quite so picture perfect then, but wow, that was news. After the bastard stormed out on me and left me with his assistant, I was asked by this woman “Why do I behave like a ‘jantan’/male?” I was stunned into silence. According to this lady, let the old man fume and rant and act like a psychopath if that was what he wanted. And *gasp*…I get the impression the silent filler was “because he is a man, he is entitled to”. Or in other words, “because you are a woman, you should take a step back.”

            “Let him do what he wants laa…why must you react like that? Be more womanly laaa…be more flexible and receptive…” Be more womanly? I suppose she was referring to our traditionalist point of view where women should be soft, gentle, unassuming, tolerant and submissive. By this time I was circulating in my head a series of expletives I was hoping did not get past my mind and onto the tip of my tongue. And then, I wondered if he would have dared done that to a man and risked getting himself flogged in the a$$. This was discrimination. Just because I looked soft and small and unable to fight for myself or stand up for myself doesn’t give anyone the right to do this! Nor for that hare-brained woman to brand me names and question my feminity just because I took the initiative to speak up and be heard!

            I’m like, hello, woman. When it’s about business, I have no sex, no gender. I am not a woman nor am I a man. Take me as a bloody hermaphrodite or a sexless human being if need be, but in this case, I am a business associate. Where is the respect I deserve?

            It is appalling how many women are still living in the ancient times in mentality when it comes to this. And being someone who is not so conventional, I get a lot of flak all the time for not behaving like I should. I’m either too impulsive or hard headed for my own good, or at least that’s what they tell me. Not only in cases such as these, but also in other situations more personal. Some of my girlfriends tell me, refrain from being so direct and outspoken (refrain from crushing ballooning egos, in other words). We are women. No matter what we still have to listen to the men in our lives. It is our fate to do so. They even say that when they end up being left behind or treated like a doormat. Submit to fate. If you have chosen a husband who is violent and abusive, that’s your choice. And so on and so forth.

            A good thing I never believed in fate or predestination. I was swayed of course that few times in my life. Mild discrimination like the ones we see on an everyday basis in our lives has a tendency of hiding behind a nicer word: tolerance. Bite your tongue and tolerate when you end up having to wait for the men in your life as they engaged in things that made them happy even if it took all day and even if it killed you of boredom and unproductiveness. Tolerate their infamous egos and be prepared to have yourself shot down and dragged through the mud just to make them feel above you or better than you even if they are not. Tolerate when they need their time out and come home drunk/abusive and wreck up everything in sight. Tolerate when you are told what to do for no reasons at all but just because they said so. Tolerate despite not getting what you want when you want it most. Tolerate when all you want to do is speak your mind and tell the truth but the truth would be a painful pill for them to swallow. Tolerate when you have a few questions to ask but in return they get all defensive and tell you in a nicer way you should just shut your gap and trust them whatever it was they did.

            Yes, tolerance is a nice little word. We all want to be tolerant. It is a good characteristic after all. But what of suppression? And the freedom to be who you really are or want to be? And to speak what you really mean? How many times can a woman in our country today look into the mirror and see their true reflection instead of the person moulded by society’s views on them?

            So I am not very feminine. So I am not exceptionally gentle, or submissive or soft. Yes, I am outspoken, I am hardheaded. I may have two imaginary balls and a lot of testosterone to most people I know. I work like a man. I handle my household like a man. I argue like a man at times. But I am only fighting for survival in this harsh world and for my right to be me and stand up for things I believe in. I may not be a regular conventional woman living a conventional life, but with all due respect, SO BLOODY WHAT?

This entry was posted on Friday, November 10th, 2006 at 1:59 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.