Musings…

I stumbled upon a fairly meaningful saying along the weekend that provoked quite some thoughts in me. It goes simply “You would know that one has grown up once that person starts living his life for somebody else but himself.” In my current situation, I suppose it quite strikes a personal chord. These past few years especially I’ve done quite a bit of growing up myself, almost to the point where I felt aged with a creaking old soul trapped inside a youthful body. Guess some things just couldn’t be helped, though I am not complaining too much about it.

            Being able to live my life for somebody else in my case has granted me the ability to see life from many, many more different perspectives and to bow to humility once needed instead of always wanting to sow seeds of pride and appear the ‘right’ or ‘victorious’ party. It’s true perhaps that maturity strips a person of most arrogance known to youth – at least for the wise and deep thinkers.

            In adolescence and youth, the concept of immortality and invincibility applies somewhat. Choices, choices everywhere, and you live for no one but yourself. You are liable only for yourself. Somewhere in between adolescence and adulthood, we are trained to start making important decisions for ourselves. Which sports/club/societies to choose? Which college to go to? Which courses to take? Which career path to move towards? Whom to love? Whom to befriend? And the list goes on, the key word always being

ME

,

ME

and ME. My choices, my preference, my decisions.

            I thought that I was at least matured enough for my age all those years back…only to realize right now when I look back, how much the opposite I was, really. Young and impulsive, I was quick to jump to conclusions and despite being wrong, would hesitate to apologize. I had a narrow perspective somewhat and indulged in a lot of judgment based on my own standards, being unable to see the bigger picture in life, and was idealistic enough to have an expectation in life and everything that surrounds it. At least the perfectionist in me made it such. It’s like if life was this obstacle race down the tracks, I had a tendency of walking past the obstacles instead of jumping across it like I’m supposed to if there was so much as a thought that I couldn’t clear that obstacle. Because I had choices in almost every aspect of my life, be it in love, or studies or friendship, I was arrogant enough to say, “Screw this if it’s not working my way. If I can’t go down this way, I could find other ways to get to where I am going.” There seldom was a need to sit down and clarify if I could indeed have managed that obstacle. Or whether it was worth it to do so. Needless to say, many rash decisions were made, some of which may have wounded people very close to me. Very regrettable indeed.

            I guess a part of me is happy that the river of time had brought me forward to be the person that I am today, a person who no longer lives for herself, but for some other people whose lives are intermingled with mine. Still far from being perfect, of course, but at least I realize now that choices that are made no longer involve the word ME but the word US. Another person in a way or another, depends on me, needs me to be level headed and responsible in everything that I do. And that leaves very little space to be impulsive and irrational. In most cases, circumstances require me to place their importance above my own. My actions or decisions would have a great impact on them apart from myself, that at times, even though I yearn so much to do the things that I want to do, I have to bow to my conscience and do what’s best for the people I hold close to my heart.

            As I grow older, I begin to understand that as I strive to be a better and more conscientious person, many obstacles in life can be dealt with the correct way (in analogy of an obstacle race, an obstacle is cleared by jumping over it instead of walking by it or not clearing it at all) if only that person takes the time, patience and effort to iron it out. And the further you move along your journey in life, the more you are obliged to stick to a particular road that you have chosen and deal with everything that comes your way, by hook or by crook. If you’ve got to face a problem, you’ve got to face it. Bottom line. There is no such thing as sweeping it all under the carpet and pretending that it isn’t there or worse, being the escapist and running away from it. Even if it includes you swallowing your pride, or taking a step back to have it rectified, you’ve just got to do it. I suppose that as long as you realize somehow that in most cases, ‘losing’ or being the more humble one grants you more triumph as compared to otherwise, you’d know that you’re somewhere there in terms of growing up.

This entry was posted on Sunday, September 24th, 2006 at 7:35 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.